


leaves change color when they fall (will you still love me if i do too?)

by orphan_account



Series: color changing arc reactor au (by me) [1]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Nightmares, Panic Attacks, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Self-Esteem Issues, Tony Stark Needs a Hug, canon? whats that lmao
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-06-20
Updated: 2019-06-20
Packaged: 2020-05-15 01:53:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,688
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19285693
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Suddenly, all eyes were back on Tony. The white light was as bright as possible, on the verge of painful. Sweat dripped down his forehead, chest heaving as he fought for breath. A burning pain sparked throughout his chest, sinking it’s tendrils into his abdomen. His joints suddenly unlocked and he did what most would do. He sprinted. Ignoring the calls of his name, he jumped into the elevator and bolted into his work shop.--!!this au is open for use as long as you credit me!!Tony's arc reactor changes color based on his emotions, but he's always hidden it. What will he do when people see what's beneath the mask?!!trigger warnings in every starting note!!





	leaves change color when they fall (will you still love me if i do too?)

**Author's Note:**

> Color Changing AU  
> Dark red- furious/angry  
> Red- annoyed/irritated  
> Orange- uncomfortable/in pain  
> Yellow- happy  
> Light green- anxious  
> Green- hungry  
> Teal- exhausted  
> Light blue- inspired/determined  
> Dark blue- depressed/sad  
> Lilac- self conscious/full of self hatred  
> Purple- fed up/exasperated  
> Magenta- embarrassed  
> Pink- flirty  
> White- panicked/PTSD response  
> \- can flash between colors if there are multiple emotions, can also brighten and dim with the intensity of feelings
> 
> Trigger warnings:  
> \- panic attacks  
> \- food
> 
> Chapter title is from Dear Evan Hansen :)

Tony gave a gusty sigh, dropping his head onto his hands roughly. He rubbed his eyes with the heels of his palms, calloused skin scraping at the thin, tender skin of his eye bags. 

“J, how long have I been down here?” he asked, voice scratchy from disuse as he surveyed the cerulean glow of his blueprints. The light reflected off of the tiled floors and onto the large glass windows, the city behind them glowing yellow against the blue. His gaze lingered on the night sky for a moment, his arc reactor tainting the respective blue and yellow lights. A teal beam shone through the air, impenetrable. 

“35 hours and 23 minutes, sir,” came Jarvis’s voice, loud in the silence that Tony had gotten lost in. “I recommend going upstairs, eating, and sleeping for optimal functions.”

Tony sighed, heaving himself up with a grunt. A yawn tore itself from him as he stretched his limbs and heard his joints pop. There was no point in bringing his reactor cover because everyone was out on a week long mission. Plus, the edges of the cover dug into his skin, making his constantly present chronic pain spark. 

He ambled into the elevator, humming softly as he stepped out onto the common room floor after a minute.

He didn’t even realize that the TV was on, or that there were two other bodies in the room. He walked straight past them, the teal light in his chest quickly fading into a pine green as his stomach growled. 

He started up some coffee and grabbed a granola bar, contentment blooming in him as the tang of salted caramel exploded on his tongue. Green morphed into a dull yellow as the dark scent of coffee wafted through the air. He greedily snatched up his mug, a low groan involuntarily escaping him as the scalding bitterness washed away the caramel. The sunshine yellow grew a bit brighter. 

“Tony?”

The engineer jumped, yellow flashing into a bright white as Steve’s voice pierced his happy veil. His hand burned with the coffee that had splashed out and the white was tinted orange for a split second. He looked up, chocolate eyes meeting icy blue. Panic sizzled in his sternum, his heart thrumming and hands shaking.

“Y-yes, Cap? What are you doing here? Aren’t you supposed to be on some top secret get away?” Tony stuttered, struggling to put his walls up after his vulnerability.

“Are you alright? Is the arc reactor broken?”

Only then did Tony notice the concern swimming in his eyes and the silhouette of Natasha behind him. He kicked himself mentally for his stupidity, self loathing forcing lilac to trickle into the white.

He gave a sharp, nervous laugh. “Yup, I’m alright. If you excuse me, I’ll be going back to the lab, I just have to do a few... things.”

However, Tony didn’t move. He stood still as his teammates scrutinized him. The off white brightened even more as Natasha squinted at him with a knowing look and tilted her head towards the ceiling. Her flaming green eyes bore into him. “Jarvis, is Tony alright?”

Before Tony could stop him, the AI responded. “Yes, Agent Romanoff. He has simply forgotten his arc reactor cover that masks the mood coded color changes.”

That was it, he was fucked. The white flickered to a searing red for a moment and his lip curled up as he snarled, “Dammit, Jarvis! I wore the cover so they wouldn’t know! What the fuck?!”

“My apologies, sir.”

The red faded to white before settling into a gentle, constant shift between red, purple, magenta, and white. As that happened, everyone seemed to stare at the circle on Tony’s chest. Orange made its way into the cocktail of emotions buzzing through the engineer’s veins.

Tony sighed, chugging his coffee and dragging his hands over his face once he set the cup down. He straightened himself, the reactor turning to a deep, bright, and steady orange as he faced Steve and Nat.

“I suppose you want to yell at me now?” he remarked, bitterness seeping into his voice as he looked at Steve with distrust.

“Why would I do that?” Steve inquired, a mildly disgusted look shrouding his features. His eyes turned stormy

“No reason, no reason,” Tony grunted as Jarvis cut off his next sentence before he started.

“If you all are wondering what each color means, I’ve sent a document on the reactor to each of your devices.”

If Tony’s chest weren’t lighting up in an eye melting white, he would have noticed that the AI sounded almost smug, as if he had been waiting to let everyone know about his chronic pain and issues to get him help. He didn’t need help, did he?

He stood frozen once more as he gasped for air, gulping and beginning to tremble. He didn’t think it could get any worse until Natasha pulled out her phone. Without a glance at him, she cleared her throat and read out, “Dark red is angry or furious, red is irritated or annoyed, orange is uncomfortable or in pain, yellow is happy, light green is anxious, green is hungry, teal is exhausted, light blue is inspired or determined, dark blue is sad or depressed, lilac is full of self hatred or self conscious, purple is fed up or exasperated, magenta is embarrassed, pink is flirty, and white is panicked or a ptsd response. The usual cover stays at light blue. Mr. Stark wears it whenever he knows that there are people around, even though it…” her voice trailed off as her eyebrows furrowed. “Even though it makes his chronic pain worse. The reactor causes a constant ache that can be made worse by rain and jostling. The reactor also causes issues with breathing and makes illnesses potentially fatal.”

Suddenly, all eyes were back on Tony. The white light was as bright as possible, on the verge of painful. Sweat dripped down his forehead, chest heaving as he fought for breath. A burning pain sparked throughout his chest, sinking it’s tendrils into his abdomen. His joints suddenly unlocked and he did what most would do. He sprinted. Ignoring the calls of his name, he jumped into the elevator and bolted into his work shop. 

“Jarvis,” he wheezed, “Full lock down.”

“I am programmed to consider your utmost safety, sir. I cannot do that as you are in need of physical support.”

A sob escaped Tony involuntarily at that. He rested his back against his work table and put his face in his knees as tears dripped down his face. The biting cold of the table pressed against his neck, failing to ground him. God, he was pathetic. He was panicking and crying like a baby because people found out how to read him. How fucking sad. Of course he couldn’t keep his ground, he was a coward; an useless fuck up.

The rapid flashing of white, blue, orange, and lilac shone through his eyelids, and he clenched them shut tighter. Tears still leaked down his cheeks, though. They dribbled down onto his chin and plopped down to his shirt, darkening it. Pain rocketed through him as he gasped, but he just didn’t care. He deserved it.

Suddenly, there was a warm hand on his back, the heat radiating through his shirt. Everything in him screamed at him, urging him to latch onto the heat source. But he didn’t. He threw himself away, attempting to scramble to his feet but falling onto his knees.

He panted, gasping for air as dry coughs wracked him. Agony swept through him, limbs tingling and hot tears sliding down his face. He clutched at the reactor, searching for relief. His lungs screamed for oxygen as his face flushed red. A dull ache snaked up his legs from his knees, but the fire in his chest overpowered it.

Black spots danced in front of him as he slowly stopped coughing. He sucked in air, trembling as he sat back on his haunches.

“Oh…. Tony…” Steve murmured, watching the engineer shake. He yearned to hold him and comfort him, but he didn’t. He looked over to Natasha, concern seeming to drip from him. 

Natasha frowned, taking a step forward but stopping when Tony heaved himself to his feet. He roughly scrubbed his tears away, doing his best to mask the shaking and straightening his back. The blue light in the reactor’s cycle turned to magenta. Both Natasha and Steve watched for a moment as white melted into orange, orange into magenta, and magenta into lilac. It repeated, steady and bright yet repulsing because they knew what it meant.

They were shaken out of their awe when Tony’s hand covered the reactor, blotting out the light, squishing it like a bug. 

“Look, guys, you can’t-” the engineer broke off, sighing. He needed a drink.

He turned his back, cheeks flaming at his breakdown as he paced over to a cabinet. He snagged a bottle of vodka, face screwing up as the burn slid down his throat. He turned back to them.

“No one speaks of this. Got it?”

“If I may, sir,” Jarvis interrupted, “The document was sent out to the three remaining individuals already, as I sensed that your comfort and safety were in danger. It is my sole job to protect you, even from yourself.”

Tony wanted to be angry, he really did, but the cycle just turned purple and teal, bouncing back and forth like a sluggish ping pong ball. He took another swig from the bottle and plopped down into his chair. 

“Please get out.”

“Tony, we-”

“I said get out! Now!” he shouted, grinding his teeth and struggling to keep a fresh burst of tears at bay.

As the elevator doors hissed shut and the lab was bathed in silence, Tony put his head in his arms. His shoulder shook as his breath hitched, exhausted tears leaking from him once more. His eyes eventually slid shut, his ragged breathing evening out and his tears drying into crusty lines down his cheeks. He slipped away, unconsciousness dragging him under.

**Author's Note:**

> hey guys! this is the first work that i've ever posted so please try to be gentle! constructive criticism is greatly appreciated as well as any other comments.
> 
> i came up with this idea a few weeks ago and i've finally worked up the courage to post it! i can't promise that i'll be able to update regularly, but i'll try. thanks for reading guys, i appreciate it!


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